he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
