WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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