I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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