a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
