just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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