sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.