the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes