The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that