I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀