Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
4 words: hood of his car
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
