Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
