Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
