Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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