And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
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I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
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I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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