my phone needs a breathalizer
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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