I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
