I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
