I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
