at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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