Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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