if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
