Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
