Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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