Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
