I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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