do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
