When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
