We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
