Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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