She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
did i walk over a car last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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