someone threw a dead crab at me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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