I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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