Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
