and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
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I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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