I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We have started to decorate penises.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I need to sanitize my soul.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
