I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
