I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
