If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
