A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
