3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
