I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
