Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
