it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
