What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
