my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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