They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
