I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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