No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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