I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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