So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
