i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
