Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
