Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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