oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
