So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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