You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
