im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
