that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
