it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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