Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
