you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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