I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
