I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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